My life has been defined by infertility for as long as I was in high school. Or as long as I was an undergrad. These are terrifying but true statements. Those segments of my life seemed so endless and meaningful, and I suppose this one does too. So now that I have no plan, what’s next? I have a overwhelming feeling of anxiety not dissimilar from the one I remember from high school graduation. Moving on, transitioning in the world. I sometimes have flashes of hope when thinking about surrogacy or adoption – like, wow, someday I may actually have a baby. But then I start to think about the time, energy, and cost involved in getting there and my heart starts to race.
I have been trying to reflect on what was possibly gained from the last four years. I met the most amazing group of women in my Resolve support group (more on that later this week #NIAW). I made peace with not being able to conceive ‘the old-fashioned way’. I let go of control in during the heart-wrenching process of IVF – three times! I suppose that all of this was not for nothing, but it’s hard not to feel that way.
The next steps will be scary and overwhelming, but maybe they will also lead to the end of this journey. And for that I am hopeful.