Feeling some feelings.

I’ve never been the kind of person that was super into feelings. I pretty much wrote them off as a sign of weakness. No reason to ever let your guard down. No reason to show anyone that you are anything less than a strong and productive person. Then all of this IF stuff happened.  For the first few months I had no idea how to process the constant feelings of depression, guilt, fear, etc. I’d like to think in the last year and a half I’ve gotten better at dealing with things in a more healthy way – talking about things, allowing myself to feel sad, etc. This has come as a result of both therapy and intense personal reflection.

Today though, I feel back to square one. My sister-in-law is having her baby right now – and I just feel so angry about it. My husband is really excited, and rightfully so, it’s his only sister and they are close. To me though, his excitement feels like a betrayal. He also doesn’t seem to understand why I’m not excited and why I can’t really separate her ‘success’ from my own ‘failure’. I keep trying to use my rational brain to psych myself up about it. Tell myself one of the first things I read in an IF support message board – that there is no fixed pool of babies from which she  took one, reducing my chances of getting one in the future. I know that her baby has absolutely no effect on whether or not I can get pregnant. Like seriously, zero effect. That aside, it doesn’t make me feel any better. I don’t want the updates of how she’s doing. I don’t want to hear what its name is. I just feel guilty that my husband might never get to feel the same excitement about a baby that is his.

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